Despite my promises to "try and lead a more interesting life" (well, SLUMBERMETSFEST should prove to be exciting at least!) and my hopes that Jon-Paul would be weighing in with some posts, the responsibility for blog info and upkeep appears to have fallen into my lap. At least, for now.
So, my world these past few weeks has been revolving around the kids. What elementary school are we going to send them to? Can we afford to send them to summer camp? Which summer camp? And of course, the always popular discipline debate between Jon-Paul and myself.
Jon-Paul is a great believer in the "because I said so, THAT's why" method of discipline. He says jump, the kids should ask how high, etc. etc. etc. Not to say that he never cuts them any slack because he does. However, I feel that a 5yr old child cannot and should not be expected to snap immediately to attention every time his/her parent doles out an order.
Nor am I a big believer in yelling at the kids. JP will say that is an outright lie, that I yell at them "just as much as he does" (does that make it right???) but overall I think that I am the parent more likely to try another tactic before resorting to yelling. My reasoning for this, is simple: our children learn much more from our actions, then they do from our words. If they see us resort to yelling when we are frustrated or angry, they will then perceive this as the "correct" method to deal with those emotions. Same principle behind why we rarely (and by rarely I mean I can count on one hand the number of times it has happened) spank the girls. I for one, NEVER thought that I would be against a good spanking. Before I had children, I would see other mothers with their tantruming brood in tow and think, "now there're some kids who deserve a good smack on the butt!" But a funny thing happened on the way to the Forum...I remember an incident when the girls were probably around age 2, and one of them was angry at the other and smacked her on the hand. Because up till that very point I had not been above doling out a little hand smack when I deemed it necessary. And it was like a lightbulb went on over my head, literally: of course they are going to react that way when they are angry, because that is the way they see ME react. And if I yell at THEM when I am frustrated, they are going to yell at ME and at OTHERS. And so on, and so on, and so on.....
So therein lies the heart of The Great Debate. To yell, or not to yell? Also, to "discuss loudly" (read: argue) about such things in front of the children? (Note, my vote on that is a resounding NO). It came to (another) head yesterday when Nat was supposed to be brushing her teeth. JP turned the water on, she turned it off. A few times, apparently, I cannot say for sure as I was in my bedroom with Cee at the time so I did not witness the series of events that led up to JP blowing his top and Natalie ending up in tears. Well, almost in tears, she was doing her best to hold them in for fear of further reprisals. However, when she came back into the bedroom and saw me she climbed up in my lap and the dam burst. I will not go into all of the details except to say JP "discussed" our ongoing differences of opinion all the way thru breakfast despite my preference not to do that.
Is there really a right or wrong in this issue? Other than the "dicussing" in front of the kids part, which in calmer times JP will agree with me is not a good idea for anyone involved... Who is to say, that my way is better than his way? Who is to say, that yelling at them will not end up in them learning to listen? The best I can do is try to set a good example, for my husband as well as my children, and hope that I am doing the right thing.
That's it for now. Am SO looking forward to a weekend of shenanigans over at AMA's!!!! SLUMBERMETSFEST HERE WE COME!!
Jill
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3 comments:
Despite your dull life, this is an excellent post - thought provoking to say the least.
I readily admit that I am a user of tactics such as a smack on the butt, a slap on the hand, or the all too often yell. However, I think that whenever these occur, it is because I've permitted my anger to come out. Unfortunately, this is probably not the way we want to interact with our kids. At the end of the day, they'll learn our mechanisms and duplicate them. If we cannot control our anger, they'll learn to do the same.
That said, there are times when the logical, reasoning approach doesn't work with children, especially the younger ones where rationalizing and logical reasoning are beyond them. In those cases, "because I'm in charge" or "because I said so" have to suffice. There have been times where the kids test the boundaries, and it is incumbant upon us to make sure those boundaries are well defined.
At the end of the day, I firmly believe THAT is the key. Instructing the children what is expected, why, and what will happed if it is not met is the first key. The second is delivering without fail. The kids learn what is acceptable and why and they learn what the ramifications of their actions are going to be. And when we dole out the consequences with consistency, the learn these lessons without the debate that seems to enrage us so much.
Isn't that what we are ultimately trying to teach them in a controlled and safe environment; actions and ramifications, both positive and negative? I'd rather they learn that at home, than in the world, which will do the same but without the compassion that they'll get from us.
SL
This is more of a comment on the fact that i was the 100th person to visit your blog, so i was wondering if i get a prize?
But this was a great post, one that i don't feel qualified to comment on b/c i don't have kids. Definitly was thought provoking as Scott said.
To Joe: Your prize for being #100, is that I am your sil! Sorry, that's all I can afford :) NOTE, I have my counter set to "every hit" as opposed to "unique visitor". I think it's safe to say way less then 100 people have been here!
To Scott: I agree with, and practice, most of what you said. Especially about the actions / ramifications and the consistency with which they are doled out. I also agree that sometimes you cannot reason with a 5yr old. However, following that thread of logic you also should not argue with a 5 yr old, which is what the yelling and crying degenerates to. I do not believe that there is never an appropriate time to yell (or even swat on the butt now that they are getting a little older and understand a little better). I do believe, though, that 90% of the time yelling is not the best solution. It leads to them yelling when they are angry / frustrated, and when the kids yell, they get yelled at for yelling! Go figure ;)
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